I have not blogged much in the past few weeks. It has been a rough road and I have not had much to say that was not more of the same. Some dark thoughts in my head. But not today. Today is goodness and light and gratitude. I have so much to be thankful for and I appreciate all that I have been blessed with. A fabulous husband who takes care of me and loves me in spite of numerous faults. Two beautiful, healthy, strong, funny, wild and silly boys who take my breath away every single day. An extended family who I can only wish lived closer to me, but fabulous in-laws who do. Friends, nearby and far away, some who I have never even "met", all of them very special women and I could not make it through this chaotic life without them. I love my house, I am thankful for all I have been blessed with. But in the end, I am just thankful to be sharing another day, another Thanksgiving, with my beautiful family. I am thanjful for each and every day I have with them. If I learned one thing this year, it is that life is uncertain, and trite as it sounds live each day as if it were your last. Embrace those close to you and make sure they know just how much you love them.

All hail the gaucho pant! I feel like I am wearing nothing - so light, so comfy, yet stylish! A pant without buttons, no panty lines, and very forgiving of curves. Me lovey.

So next year when they are no longer in style you can mock me all you want, but I will be comfy and happy, still wearing my gaucho pants. You too could share this wonder - Target $12.99. I may have to get these in brown too.

I have an abdominal CT at 2:15 today. I could have a light breakfast 6 hours before and then NOTHING! I am dying. I am so thirsty and have been sneaking a sip of water but am trying to be good. They really should not schedule these appointments so late in the day! Argh. But on the positive side I get to drink my contrast liquid at 1:15 - that should be yummy.

Stupid stomach pains. My ultrasound came back fine which is good and that rules out those sneaky organs like the liver and pancreas and gallbladder. But the CT will give more of the big picture I guess. I just feel like I have done about 1000 sit ups. Problem is I haven't. My doctor wants to know why I can't be normal. I would like to know too :) Hopefully this is nothing, but good thoughts are of course always appreciated.

And the real kicker is that O is sick and nursing like a fiend. Probably why I am so thirsty. But after I drink the contrast solution no nursing for 24 hours. Yep going to be a fun night in my house!

Yesterday was my birthday. I am now 33 and proud of it. I really was not in the mood for celebrating and I had two sick kids to boot. But my husband, the world's self-acclaimed worst present giver, the man who gave me a HAIRDRYER for my birthday while we were engaged, this very man came home with one pretty blue bag and one white bag. In the pretty blue bag were some gorgeous silver earrings and in the white bag there was coffee ice cream from Coldstone. He seriously made my day. And honestly, he makes my life. I am one lucky lady - blue box or not.

But it does go to prove that you can teach an old dog new tricks!

Take a bath with your child and watch him go to town on the sea salt scrub.

Both A and I smell lovely and have beautiful, soft, glowing skin. Who needs a girl-child!?

I do, however, need a jacuzzi tub. The hotel this weekend had one that could have fit 5 professional football players. Seriously I kid you not. Perfect for a family bath. My tub is nice and deep but it is lacking in the jacuzzi jets. Must add this to the list of home improvements :)

I am still a wreck, my doctor sent me for an abdominal ultrasound today because of my horrendous wierd stomach pains. Am hopeful it is just stress.

Life goes on. We are off to Orlando tomorrow for a weekend. Just had to get away. I hope Disney has some magic for me, I sure could use some about now :)

A was funny when I told him we were going to Orlando. He said "But I haven't been wanting to go to Disney!" Oh, I said. Long Pause. "Oh! But wait! I have been wanting to go to Seaworld!" Kids are weird and obviously my kid has been to Orlando quite a few times already in his 3 years.

Billy Joel must have written this for you.

She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her
She's got a way of pleasin'
I don't know why it is
But there doesn't have to be a reason anywhere

She's got a smile that heals me
I don't know what it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She's got a way of talkin'
I don't know why it is
But it lifts me up when we are walkin' anywhere

She comes to me when I'm feelin' down
Inspires me without a sound
She touches me and I get turned around
She's got a way of showin'
How I make her feel
And I find the strength to keep on goin'
She's got a light around her
And ev'rywhere she goes a million
Dreams of love surround her ev'rewhere

She comes to me when I'm feelin' down
Inspires me without a sound
She touches me, I get turned around oh oh oh

She's got a smile that heals me
I don't know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her any way

If I could be an animal, today I would be a Galapagos Tortoise. Old and wise, enormous and lumbering. Beautiful in my largesse, brilliant in my slowness. I understand why turtles have shells. I covet that safety, that warmth, of home always with you.

In my human form, I am merely thankful for Halloween candy today.

My grief for Liron is so heavy on my heart, I literally can not breathe.

I've been having panic attacks. The other night I could not sleep, I was borderline hysterical. My husband is a rock.

Not only am I grieving for her, I am facing my own mortality. The shell of my perfect little world has been cracked wide open. I can no longer believe that this stuff only happens to other people. It happens. It happens to good people. It happens to amazing people.

I am reading a book by Elizabeth Berg, it is relatively unremarkable except every once in awhile there is a line that zings me. Like a simple conversation where one woman asks the other "Did you really expect life to be easy?" And this is my problem, my husband can tell you this first hand, I tend to expect life to be easy and kind and am floored, flattened when it isn't. M on the other hand expects life to be difficult and full of challenges and he rises to them. I am learning and it is hard.

And the Sword of Damocles? That is what I feel hanging over my head. If it can happen to Liron, it could happen to me. I look at my babies and I can.not.breathe. I am literally paralyzed with fear. And the panic sets in.

Seriously, I need drugs, or therapy, or both.

M and I are still in shock about Liron's death and we're not talking about it to each other much. I think that is partly denial. He has been extremely appreciative of me lately and I think it stems from the fact he can not even fathom what his friend Mark is going through, faced now with raising a 1 and 3 year old without their mother. I can't fathom it either.

Right now, still in the immediate shock of her death, everything makes me think fo her. I'm reading a women's magazine and there is a question about making your aging chest look less wrinkly. And I have to close the magazine and have a bit of a cry because I just want to scream - be glad you have lived long enough to have wrinkly chest skin! What is the point, it is all so futile. Embrace the wrinkly skin, it means you are alive!

Or I hear A telling his dad, "No dad, I don't want you to read to me tonight, I just want my mama. And I immediately think of Liron's son, and how he must want his mama to read to him."

And then I am in the car and I hear Billy Joel's "She's Got a Way" and it could have been written about Liron. Seriously.

Today, O and I hit the stores to stock up on discounted Halloween decorations for next year and I couldn't stop wondering if Liron had stocked up last year. She didn't have lymphoma then. She found out in April and didn't get to see another Halloween. How scary is that.

Her birthday is tomorrow. I need to find some way to celebrate it for her, to celebrate life in all its glory, it's cruelness, it's brevity.

I need to go get some lovin' from my O-baby now.