They just said on the news that New Orleans would not be inhabitable for 12-16 weeks. My heart is breaking for those people. I can not imagine how they are feeling - where do you go for that long? Not everyone has the luxury of friends and family to stay with, and of course many, many have friends and family in the same situation. And then, how do you work? How do you make money? Hourly workers are shit out of luck. And small business owners too. Most small businesses can not afford 1 week of closure, let alone 3 months. Devastating.

And knowing that your home is under 15 feet of water, probably swimming in snakes, and not beeing able to go home and see what your house looks like. Torture. We evacuated for 1 week during Frances and Jean last year and it was torture picturing a palm tree through our roof, wind and rain wipping through our home. Thanfully we were spared and those images were only nightmares, no reality. Last night I lay in bed watching the news and I pictured my house slowly filling with water. I saw everything ruined. Paper, so much paper, so many photos, books, journals.

I remember what it was like for us, before the lights came back on. 10 days without electricity in warm swampy weather. Oppressive. I remember the cravings set in. Milk. Strawberries. Bananas. Anything fresh. Anything would do. Or anything really, really cold. No electricty, no cold water, no ice cream.

Watching those pictures on the TV, it is so painfully obvious that evacuation and preparedness is a luxury of the upper and middle classes. The poor were totally left behind. No transportation, no supplies, no money. So many things the pictures don't show you. Imagine having a newborn, imagine having a rambuncious 2 year old. Imagine having your period. Imagine being pregnant. Imagine being in labor. Imagine the complete and utter darkness.

M and I sit here and watch the news and feel guilty. Guilty to have been spared. Guilty knowing even if we go through another hurricane, or 2 more or 3 more or however many more it takes, the devastation here could never equal that on the gulf coast. Our house is made of poured cement, not those beautiful wooden antebellum homes. The flooding in NO is unique to it's own geography, but we can't help it, we feel guilty. I want to help, giving money doesn't seem to be enough. God thoughts don't seem to be enough. Prayers, not enough. I don't know how these people will cope. I don't think I would be doing very well were I in their shoes.

my husband and I sitting at the bar area of our kitchen counter, each with a laptop in front of us and a bag of Nestle semi-sweet chocolate chips between us.

That I just charged $1500 on my credit card for airline tickets to my cousin's wedding in October. Love my cousin, excited for her wedding, but seriously feel sick. Am sure I will feel even worse this time next month when I am paying that bill.

Where is that lottery ticket....

I want to write something cheerful and uplifting but I just can't. I am an emotional wreck still. I think my period may finally be returning, 15 months post partum so you can imagine the hormones are amuck.

I think all of my life I will look back on my 32nd year as the year I turned the corner, the year I absolutely, no doubt about it, became a full-fledged adult. I have of course, lost other loved ones along the way. My father's mother died when I was 19. I mourned her then and I miss her probably more now than then, as I have such a greater appreciation for family now, especially those who were mothers. I have a whole ghost family of great-aunts and uncles who have passed, who are missed at family events, but who lived full and long lives. This is why my friend L's cancer is hitting me so hard. I am devastated for her, for her husband, for her sweet little babies. But I know that this is their tradgedy, their story. I am on the sides, it will impact my life but not destroy it. But it has cracked wide open that myth that I, like all youth believed in - invincibility, live forever, not-me. Now I know, it could just as easily be me.

Last night I was walking around TJ Maxx looking for fun things to send to L (I did find awesome silly chenille socks in her favorite color to keep her feet warm) and I started to cry. Because then I was wondering if she would ever walk around a store again. It's the minutae of every day life, the routine blah things that I am starting to embrace as gifts.

I see her the first time I met her, a whirlwind of energy, a blast of freshness, I was shocked and somewhat enthralled by her honesty. I see her and her husband sitting at my dining table in Boston, sharing the news of their first pregnancy. She is 12 weeks along to my still secret 6 weeks. Our first sons were born within weeks of each other. I could recite her birth story as if it were my own. I remember how in awe I was of her, how she pulled him out herself. I would pay gobs of money to have a copy of that email - a lesson to me that I need to print important correspondances or there will be no record.

I could go on and on about these lessons I am learning, about L's beautiful soul, about the unfairness of life.

And today my father told me my great-uncle is likely to die of his lymphoma this week. And of course we are still waiting to hear about my grandfather and if his cardiologist will approve surgery for him, an 85 year old diabetic with heart disease. And then Mike's 90 year old grandmother was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia 2 days ago.

I feel surrounded. And I feel like there is another shoe out there, waiting to drop. Bam.

And I was happy and I was sad. And he was happy and he was sad. I was the only one who cried.

Seriously, one day and already our relationship has improved dramatically. I love the stuffing out of that kid but he does make me mental. I am still a bit verklempt but am looking forward to this new phase of our life.

Dial America just called me with an offer to renew one of my favorite magazines, Family Fun, for $0.77 an issue for 3 years. So around $20 and the kicker was that 12.5% will go to the American Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. How could I say no? Such a weird coincidence since I had just found out the bad news about my friend earlier today.

I fear one day I will not be able to say no to any cause that calls me b/c it seems as we grow older major disease and illness are touching more and more people in our lives :(

Awhile ago I posted about my good friend who was diagnosed with lymphoma. Well things looked really good for awhile, but now things are no longer defined in terms of good or bad - just "the next round." What she is going through is breaking my heart. Please say a prayer or send a good thought her way in Australia. She really could use them. She is 35 years old and has a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Moms just should not get sick. Just so, so wrong :(

This just puts all my petty whining in perspective. I must stop kvetching about the little things and just embrace the big picture of my life - which right now, this very minute, freaky bug bites and all, is pretty damn good.

There is nothing like a Mom's Night Out with three other funny and intelligent women to refresh me and give me new perspective.

It felt so good to drop off 3 boxes at the Goodwill today and another 3 boxes at the Post Office filled with winter clothes and a breast pump (my oldest friend in the world is having twins! And soon!). My bedroom looks so good without all that clutter!

Took the boys to the local sea turtle hospital this morning. Baby sea turtles are so cute! O waved at the turtles and they waved back.

Have not had to yell, really yell at A so far today. Gives me hope.

Making plans to have a picnic on the beach tomorrow night and watch the moon rise out of the ocean. The beach is calling my name but it has been too damn hot to take the kids lately.

My parents sold their house and have found the cutest townhouse in a kick-ass location in a quaint little town with a sweet main street with an old-fashioned movie theater and yummy restaurants. So, so happy for them. I do not remember the last time I heard my mom's voice so excited. Can not wait to visit them!

I am so grateful for my husband who watches the kids tirelessly whenever I need a break, gets up with O in the night, and despite being completely unromantic treats me like a queen in so many small ways. Who needs flowers anyway?

Is leaving me. He starts school one week from today. I am a mess. So silly because I practically threw him out the door days after he turned 2 and a local preschool would finally accept him. I needed the small amounts of free time to get ready for O's arrival and our big move. And then once we got to Florida I promptly found him a preschool here and he was there all last school year 2 mornings a week. But this, this is different. This is big time, big league, full out school. Five days a week, 8-3. OMG - WTF am I going to do with myself? O and I will have lots of quality time that is for sure and perhaps I will catch up on the 5 years of filing that is all over the floor of my home office But seriously, for all the grief this kid gives me and let me tell you it is a lot, I am going to miss the stuffing out of him. Ok, going to cry while typing this. I am so not ready for this, I fear we made the wrong decision. There were several underlying reasons we did this - fab private school with an opening, ILs offering to pay, teacher reccomendation that he would thrive in a 5 day program. The kid is a sponge who needs more stimulation. I know this is going to be fabulous for him. He is going to learn Spanish! And then Chinese in kindergarten. For pete's sake, I want to go to this school it is so awesome. But my baby is going and I am going to miss him. Not only that I feel my role is changing. I feel like I need to redefine what I am doing, I feel like staying home is no longer justified now that I will only have 1 child at home. So silly b/c I did not feel this way when I only had one child. Argh. I am all a-babble here.

Bottom line, I am all verklempt.

Me: A, get off of your brother! If I have to come in here one more time you are going to the naughty corner.

A: Then don't come in!

Me: {momentarily floored but secretly pleased that my kid has wit}

And not only do I push my kids down (see previous post), I drink too:

A: Mmm, I'm cooking you pancakes mom! And look here is some beer for you too. ::holding up small pretend plastic soda bottle to his kitchen set::

Because I always drink beer with my pancakes.

Nice conversation between A and his swim teacher today -

Teacher: A, what happened, those are some bad bruises on your head!

A: My mom pushed me real hard and I fell down.

The small but oh so important details he omitted were that I was coming into the screened in porch after grilling some chicken and I didn't see him, tripped over him and we all went flying. Unfortunately his head went right onto the concrete floor. As if I didn't feel bad enough already!