Putting Matchbox cars in the "Candy Free" check-out lane makes my life easier how?

I really thought I was healed from my c-section with A. That I had come to terms with what happended during the birth and why things went the way they did. That having this beautiful, happy, healthy son had fully healed me. It wasn't about the process, just the end result that mattered.

And then I wrote my birth plan today for my birth class tonight. Since it is a VBAC, I put in two scenarios - my desires during a vaginal birth and my desires during a c-section. The biggest difference to me was that for the vaginal birth I asked that the baby be placed on my chest immediately. For the c-section I asked that my husband get to hold the baby as soon as possible.

And it all came back. The 30 minutes of lying there, completely immobile and unable to hold my baby, that precious little soul. It seems trivial really in the grand scheme of life. But I can't help it - I want to be the one to hold this baby first, gaze into his eyes, see the wonder, the amazement. Of course M held A as close to me as he possibly could, and I did get to hold him as I was wheeled out of the OR, but I still feel like I missed something.

Stupid hormones. I am an emotional wreck right now. I am sure I will be blubbering in birth class tonight.

Back to the negative belly comments today. I don't know why they bother me so much. Maybe because I can't imagine saying them to someone and I never got one comment with my pregnancy with A. So bizarre.

Anyway, today's gems were:

"Wow, when I saw you last month you had such a cute little belly, and now...."

"When are you due?"
- May -
"Wow, you are huge."

Who says these things! Ugh!

After all of my bitching about my belly, finally a positive belly story.

Yesterday was a glorious day here, the first since October really so we took full advantage of it. M played hooky from schoolwork and we went out to brunch and then took A to the park. The park was jammed with other families and A was having a blast - as was I as M was there to chase after him!

While I was standing there taking it all in, a woman I didn't know came over and said "I am just so happy the mu-mu look in maternity wear is out of style now. Your belly is just beautiful and you should show it off." I wanted to hug her. I had on a white t-shirt and a black cardigan sweater, not exactly revealing by hollywood-mama standards, but form fitting enough I guess to show off the belly. To be honest, all of my maternity clothes are form fitting these days!

Then at the grocery store a middle-aged woman went out of her way to run over, grab me by the arm, look me in the eye, and say "Good luck." That was all. It had me a little weirded out for awhile, I was seriously wondering if she had the gift of second-sight or something and could tell something about this birth/baby from my belly. In the end I chalked it up to just a nice stranger. I hope. I am freaked about the VBAC enough anyway.

Now I want to run up to all pregnant women and tell them their bellys are beautiful, because they are. But I'm afraid they'll just think I am some sort of freak :)

At myself.

Today was the first field trip for A's preschool. It was at a local dinosaur/fossil museum. I had these visions of kids neatly marching two by two, holding hands, obediently looking at the exhibits and then moving on to the next one.

I did not, however, imagine fights over dinosaur models, bloody lips, flailing kids, schreeching kids, running kids, exhausted moms.

I should have known.

Please little one, I understand you need to take nutrients from my body to grow big and strong. But why, why must you also be taking my brain cells? I have few enough to spare, and you seem to have taken those and more. This morning was the last straw when I turned on the coffee pot before cleaning out the old grinds. The smell of days old grinds being brewed is just not pleasing to the pregnant nose or stomach. I don't mind the forgetfulness, but interfering with my morning cup of coffee is a whole 'nother ball game.

Given the amount of brain cells you have stolen from me, I will be expecting great things from you little one. Obviously you will be some high form of genius child.

My son was conceived and born in Boston. But we have lived in BFE, mid-Atlantic state since he was 5 months old. However, now that his speech is becoming more defined, I am picking up definite traces of the Boston accent. Think Ted Kennedy, not Boston Rob.

Here sounds much more like hehye. Bee sounds like Bee-er. Classic signs - lose the R when you need it, add it when you don't.

Neither M or I are Bostonians, just transients living there for awhile so we don't have the accent. No way he got it from us. We have the generic Northeast/mid-Atlantic accent (which to me means no accent at all). He must have picked it up in the womb.

I am sure it will pass as his speech develops further, but I am enjoying my laughs, hearing this miniature man speak just like big Ol'Teddy.

I took advantage of a most rare occurrence - M was home for the night. So I high-tailed it out of there and went to do some errands without A in tow. It is so liberating to be able to walk slowly down the aisles of a store and browse.

I hit Big-Lots and TJ Maxx and then something told me to go on to Target even though I was pooped. I figured it would be less exhausting without A anyway, so on I went. And look what I found -



It was $12.48.

I am very happy right now. I am supposed to be on a spending moratorium, but really, how could I resist?

I love Target. Love it.

All moms eventually talk about something toilet related.

I need to buy one of these for my son. Every kid needs a dinosaur potty!

Just one of those mornings.

A decides he doesn't want to leave the house. After some negotiating, some threats, some physical removal of said child from home, we are out the door. I am already on edge and having to stand in over a foot of snow and clean over a foot of snow off of my car does not help matters. Legs soaking wet, we get in the car and head out.

Bagel place out of my favorite scones. Out of mini-bagels for A. Not improving my outlook. Arrive at Borders to meet friends for coffee before story hour. Wait patiently in line while women in front of me order deluxe espresso drinks that are far too complicated for 16 year old boy behind counter. A is surprisingly well-behaved at this point. Weird man sits down right next to us when there are 20 other empty tables in the Cafe. Why would you want to sit so close to someone with a toddler? I am somewhat disconcerted. He keeps staruing at us which does not help my unease.

V arrives with her 2 kids and A and C proceed to battle over everything, the air, the ground, the cars I pull from my bag in desperation. That tames them for a bit but then they decide that running away would be the coolest thing ever. I honestly didn't think my preggo butt could move that fast as I chased my kid down halfway into the mall already. I am scared to look at his arm I grabbed him so hard. I really don't want to be that kind of mother, but fear and already tried patience are not a good combination.

So we give up, go to storytime. A sits quietly by the snackbowl for about 5 minutes. Then he is off. After 3 failed attempts to convince him that the story-lady's books are more interesting than the ones he is pulling off the shelves, I give up and just grab him and leave.

V then offers me free babysitting, saying I could probably use a break. Another mom from storytime comes over to commiserate and say she was just there recently with non-listening, non-sitting child. I appreciate them both, but it makes me feel worse. I don't want to be this harried mother, the one people look at in sympathy because her kid is running amuck. Because I really feel I am a good mother. And I feel my kid is a really good kid. He just does not like to sit still. I can't blame him, but it's hard not to lose my cool sometimes. It's hard to be that mom, who is slowly being pushed to the edge. I am seriously wondering if I can handle two kids. There is a lot of external stress right now outside of my mom-role so I know that isn't helping. But it doesn't look like that situation is changing anytime soon so I need to figure out how to get happy and how to deal. Because reading back over this, what was really so awful about my morning? Just normal life and toddler crap. So this is a pointless post, but at least it was theraputic to type it all out.

My son has an absurd amount of Little People toys. Why? Because I love them. Yes, he loves them too, but I am the one who can just not resist them. I love watching him play with them and seeing his imagination just go wild. I love that he puts the peacock and rhinos on the merry go round. That Noah drives a backhoe. That Mrs. Noah flies the plane. How he lines the animals up two-by-two.

At night after he has gone to bed, I am guilty of arranging the sets just so while I am picking up the toys. Putting all the characters back in their respective playsets, setting them up just so. I've rescued several of my old sets from my parents house and bought a few more of the 1970s ones from EBAY. But the old Little People and New Little People do not coexist. Old are in his bedroom, new in the play area. If you've seen them, you understand.

But I knew my obsession had reached new lows this weekend when my quest for the last accessory set for the new Little People Castle took me to 4 different Wal-Marts on 4 different days. These sets are only being sold at Wal-Mart and not sold online anywhere (except EBAY with huge markup). I knew I had a problem when I found myself at one scary Wal-Mart in the middle of BFE Pennsylvania on a Saturday afternoon. Let's just say it was Redneck central. And they didn't have it anyway. I am now trying to restrain myself from driving the 25 minutes north to the last Wal-Mart in my vicinity that I haven't gone to yet. But I know I'll cave. I must complete the set!

I think I need to find me a Little People Addicts Anonymous group.

Argument with 2-year old about current Dora episode on TV:

A: I want to watch the animal one.
Me: We don't have the animal one sweetie, we'll have to watch this Bugga Bugga Baby one.
A: I want to watch the animal one.
Me: Sorry, we don't have that one. We have to watch whatever comes on.
A: I want to watch the animal one.

Ad infinitum until finally a meltdown occurs. There is no logic or reasoning. There is only a one-track mind that I am powerless against. I so need Tivo! But I am so annoyed at my cable company for their inept billing procedures and my need to call them once a month to straighten something out that I refuse to give them any more business. What me, bite off my nose to spite my face? Never.

Here it is, the belly I have been whining about. Approximately 27 weeks in this picture.

So in the past 24 hours I have had the following said to me -

- You must be tired with all that extra weight you are carrying around.

- Wow, your belly is really popping out there!

- I guess I'd better make way for you!

To add insult to injury, I have outgrown a pair of maternity pants. I outgrew some shirts with A, but never pants. I am afeared. I really don't think my belly is that big, I'm quite fond of it actually. But perhaps I am just in denial.

I love the colors on my blog site - when viewed from my laptop. They look pretty nasty from the desktop screen I am now viewing them at. I am not happy.

Do not approach me and strike up the following conversation -

Stranger: You must be due soon.
Me: End of May, actually.
Stranger: Oh, it's so good to meet someone else who is so big!

At this point I look down and notice tiny basketball-like belly protruding from her shirt.

Me: Um, when are you due?
Stranger: Early June. I can not believe how much weight I have gained with this one. I just feel so huge. You understand.

Had she in fact been huge, I would not have minded this conversation in the least. But her tiny frame and tiny belly made the conversation just ridiculous. Especially compared to my big ol'bellay.

Oh well. I can't wait to hear the comments when I really am about to pop. Looking back at pictures of my pregnancy with Alec my 27 week belly now is quite comprable to my 34 week belly then. I am scared as to what the 38 week belly will look like. I am thinking a bit like I swallowed my birth ball.

Very surprisingly, my 3-hour glucose test came back with only one elevated level and even that one was within range for the test (though elevated for non-test levels if that makes sense). So I passed, no diabetes. At least not yet.

This is very deja vu of my pregnancy with A. Fail 1-hour, pass 3-hour, start spilling sugar, fail 3-hour. The upside, I'm having ice cream tonight. The downside, I'm still going to stay on the diet with the exception of dessert tonight, and most likely I will be returning for the 3-hour test AGAIN. So cruel. How much orange drink is one preggo supposed to ingest? I am already 4 bottles down this pregnancy. Doing the 3-hour again will bring the grand total to 6. Blech.

But this is good news! Even if it is temporary, perhaps it will be the start of a good news trend. Hear that o'employment fates? Please send my husband a job. Please.

I feel like all I do is whine in my blog. But it just feels like a constant stream of shit lately. Bah. But I am trying to look beyond it all at the good things in my life - of which there really are many. And the one thing that never fails to make me laugh are the funny little expressions that come out of my newly verbal 2-year old son's mouth. Print doesn't do them justice, you have to hear the inflection he puts on them for full effect. But for the sake of something non-whiny, here are just a few.

1. "That be perfect!" - usually said extremely enthusiastically in response to offered snack.

2. "I know, name him Elmo! That great idea." - in response to the question what to name his baby brother.

3. "I need Elizabeth, go get him!" - in reference to a Thomas the Tank train character. He seems to be in denial she is really a girl.

4. "Come on mama, let's play!" - usually said when I am on the computer with a heavy stress on the "come on"

5. "I so glad you came home, I miss you so much." - usually said on my return from yoga class. This can always make me smile, no matter what black cloud spewed on me that day.

6. "My birthday over." - said with the most longing, the biggest sigh, and the frowniest face that a 2-year-old can muster.

7. "Trains, I wake up!" - said while running eagerly from his room to the train table after a nap.

8. "Dad needs gas." - when dad refused to wake up this morning.

9. "I coming! Running like an airplane!" - said while running with arms out and making airplane noises.

10. "Milk comes from moo-cows, apple juice comes from horsies." - but of course!

So today was my 3 hour glucose test. Which basically means I didn't have anything to eat from 6:30 last night until after the test today (approximately 11:08 am). Unless you count the 2 bottles of ghastly orange drink that I had to have for the test. And I do not count them.

So running on basically no blood sugar, I get up at 6:00 am, scramble to get us all ready (which means watching M and A eat breakfast!) and out the door by 7:00 am. Plan to drop M at school, take A to a friend's house and get to the OB's by 7:45. Not a problem. Until we get to school and M realizes he left his suit coat at home - and since he has a job interview at 8:00 am he really kind of needs it. So back home we go. And yes I was rushing. Going a little fast. Just a little. And of course, all those fates that were conspiring against me - I get stopped by a cop who was going in the opposite direction. Urgh! He is immune to my tears (which come on over nothing these days, let alone this added stress and total lack of food) and my explanation of job interview, suit coat, child to sitter, 7 months pregnant, diabetes, doctor's appointment. So I get a ticket. And it's not even that simple. No simple pay X amount. Oh no, I need to haul my pregnant butt and 2 year old toddler to court on March 29th to find out how much exactly I get to pay.

So now it is 7:30. We run back home, get suit coat, drop M at school, run to L's house, drop A off and zoom to the OB's. I arrive at 7:59 am - one minute to spare or they would have canceled the test as they won't do them after 8:00 am. If I had just gone through all of that for naught I think I would have melted into a great big screaming blob of pregnancy tears on the waiting room floor. But no, I made the cut and got to drink my orange drink and get my blood drawn 4 times in 3 hours.

All in all, the test is not as bad as it seems. I had 3 hours to myself. I slept for one of them on a very comfy couch and then read a trashy novel for the other two hours. I can't remember the last time I had such a relaxing morning. Well, at least relaxing after I arrived at the doctor's office. It's kind of sad when you have to go to the doctor's office for a little peace and quiet!

Oh well. Today is done. Hopefully tomorrow can't be any worse.

M is off for a week to sunny California on a job-hunting boondoggle organized by his school. I am debating what to do with myself - 7 days of one-on-one time with A with no break is a little mind numbing. I could go to my parents for a bit, or to visit the in-laws in sunny Florida, or to see friends in Boston or NYC. But I have been toying with going along on the trip to California. We got such a killer deal on M's airline ticket, that it is very very tempting. We could stay with him in his hotel room for no additional cost...we'd just have to feed ourselves.

I guess I am wondering if I am up to schlepping around San Fransisco for a week by my then 30 week pregnant self with my two-year old in tow. Part of me says, why not? Might as well do it now, I probably wouldn't do it with a newborn along as well. I need to take advantage of these opportunities when they present themselves. But my practical side says, what about the taxi/carseat issue, the desperate need to find a public bathroom NOW issue, the toddler tantrum issue, the money issue, etc.

So this afternoon as I was reading Child magazine there is an article called "What's fun for Kids in San Fransisco" - and it looks really fun! The zoo, the Exploratorium museum, Water World, carousels, etc. And I really love the Tea Garden in Golden Gate Park. Not to mention I haven't had good dim sum in years. So maybe this article is the sign I have been waiting for.

What to do, what to do.

So A did fine. More than fine. He even shared toys! Unheard of. He didn't sit still for circle time, but played well independently. Still fine for first day. I showed up early to pick him up, and he didn't even acknowledge my presence though I know he saw me. I should be happy my kid is so well adjusted, but a little lovin' would be nice!

The biggest problem I see with this arrangement - there is a Burger King perfectly situated between preschool and home. Perfect for a drive-thru on the way home. Of course we stopped today, every kid needs a treat after the first day of school! And moms too of course.

So today was the big day. The FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL. Of course the morning was complete chaos. Running late, flying out the door, the norm. And of course I needed a few extra minutes to take the requisite first day of school photo.

So when we arrive at school, I carried A across the parking lot because it was so muddy and he just was clinging to me and telling me how much he loved me. So sweet and a bit out of character - he usually only acts like that when tired. So I figured he was nervous. But once we got inside and he saw the toys it was definitely "Mommy who?" He wasn't even aware of me anymore. So once I got everything settled, I told him I was leaving and would be back soon to pick him up. He said "Go mama, bye". So much for that.

So I did a few errands, came home did a few loads of laundry, caught up on email and blogging. I am about to go change the laundry and get ready to pick him up.

I now have free time. I kind of like it. The house is so quiet though!